This summer my aunt said to me, “You’re almost 30. You should know how to clean a shower curtain.” Funnily enough, I missed that lesson in the manual of life.

Most days, I still feel like an ignorant kid. But when I was younger, I had more confidence. I was sure I’d amount to something great, like a famous politician. But once college came around, so did the questioning of many systems, including the political and legal ones, as well as society, ideology, gender… In short, I became confused. Which I have remained to this day.

If that means I still don’t know how to clean a shower curtain, then so be it. I’m busy living my life the best way I know how. And only I can live it!

1. There’s no going back.  While I had secretly hoped the transition would be smooth and I’d jump back into the mainstream (was I ever even there?), that obviously hasn’t been the case. Even though part of me resisted returning for so long, somehow I thought that I’d resume being my old self once back in familiar territory. A lot has changed in that space of nearly eight years that I was living abroad. It’s more than just that my horizons have broadened; my perspective on life has been dramatically altered. I naively thought I might be able to pick up right where I left off when I’d left the US. I’m more aware of aspects of my former self that haunt me and it’s like I’ve entered a perpetual time warp. I’m struck by the high schooler inside me, and the nostalgic nagging of ancient memories. It’s like a nonstop exercise in taming the “lizard brain.”

2. Nothing is normal. Although I want to get back to some normalcy and stability, I’m also starkly aware that those concepts are pretty irrelevant to my life, which refuses to conform to some standards that I’ve set for it. What is normal is relative, and depends from person to person. Yet, when living in India, I was constantly struck by things that were way too different for my personal set of likes and dislikes.

3. Bumps in the road are not just part of life, they are life. We have a very strong belief that someday, life will go smoothly and everything will be just right. Even if things do eventually work out, the process is usually messy. The more I realize this, the less I struggle against how things are now. For example, the picture below was taken in late August, when we sent off some of my husband’s documentation. We were prematurely  joyous, since there have been delays and we’re still waiting for his papers. They should be arriving soon, though.

4. Get out and meet people. When I first arrived, I was constantly running around to different meetups. This has slowed down somewhat, but it was a good way to force myself to get back out into the social scene and to hear about what was going on. I learned about a lot of interesting new projects and got inspired. I’m also looking for more sustainable, long-term means of interaction in my local neighborhood though. I recently attended a local writer’s group and am trying to help organize another meeting. Although the timing is pretty bad I’m still interested in the community garden which I totally spaced on during the warmer months.

5. Stay in and hibernate. In this city of bright lights, it’s easy to get overwhelmed by the hustle bustle and huge skyscrapers towering overhead. I actually overheard a tourist in a restaurant bathroom say that she felt nauseated by the constant, overstimulating sensory onslaught. Yes, it can be exhilarating and thrilling, but also tiring after a time. Everything in moderation: it’s good to be out, but so is having quiet time at home, too.

6. Laugh and love. Partially because I was running out of ideas, and because I badly need the reminder! When it all begins to feel overwhelming, it’s a good sign that I’m taking things too seriously. Some hugs and some laughs are the perfect antidote. Trite, but true.

On Saturday I watched the above National Geographic show on The Human Family Tree. I was pleasantly amused to see it was based in my diverse neighborhood of Queens: Astoria. If you ever need a reminder of how we are all one, you should definitely watch it!

Seeing the progression of human migrations in the video, I was reminded how humans have evolved as a part of a larger group and as inseparable from the environment. Now, however, we find ourselves removed from the whole in many ways and living lives devoid of meaning and purpose.

Thanks to a tweet I came across about the idea of “data smog” leading to depression, I’ve also just started reading Spontaneous Happiness by Dr Weil, and was struck by his main idea that modern lifestyles are the leading cause of depression. It may not be his unique idea, nor anything new, but it helps to remind ourselves how foreign our lives are to the way we have evolved over thousands of years.

He says, “Our lives in the developed world have largely gone from hard and generally content to easy and often depressed.” He also delves into the flaws of the existing biomedical model of mental health, and how pharmaceutical companies basically created a market for themselves. I find it really interesting & hope to share more as I go through it…

Funnily enough, I also happen to like sci-fi and technology so also watched a documentary called “Transcendent Man” about an inventor, Ray Kurzweil, who has many crazy predictions about the future of artificial intelligence and human evolution. Given our tricky relationship with technology, though, I disagree that things will proceed as smoothly as he claims, where we will become infused with bots to keep us healthy and immortal.

One interesting point raised in the film that I would be more likely to agree with is that there will be a group of humans who will worship technology, specifically the god-like artificial intelligence which will be much smarter than us. The problem I foresee is that intelligence is much more complicated than simple logic; the idea of emotional intelligence is gaining traction. But what about other, traditional wisdom that isn’t currently recognized by the mainstream?

Yes, I’ve been taking advantage of Netflix streaming: I also recently watched the Steven Hawking “Into the Universe” series, and the Star Wars movie!

Everything seems to take more thought, more calculation. From doing the laundry to travelling by train to shopping for groceries. Finding the right words and expressions for things. Trying to learn the ropes of how to do this thing called life in my native country.

Wondering if I will ever feel settled, or if there even is such a thing as feeling settled, and if there is, is it even desirable? Should I continue to buy into the illusion that at one point, everything will be all right? Or just throw away all preconceived notions about how life “should” be and roll with it? Why is that so difficult?

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It reminded me of what Sadhguru often says on “Doing what works”. From his recent article in Huffington Post on Procrastination:

Whatever you want in life, if you do not understand what is needed and do exactly that, you will only end up doing some work in the end, but there is little chance of reaping any fruit.

Sadhguru also has many videos on the power of emotion. “Emotion is just the juicier part of the thought. The way you think is the way you feel… The way you feel is the way you think.” (from a video on the physical nature of emotions & thoughts.)

What are your thoughts on the power of emotion? Does focusing on what works work for you?

Flickr by danorbit via dkalo

Happy Thanksgiving! Since today naturally lends itself to reflection, I figured it was a good chance to get back to blogging. I have been all-consumed by planning for the “My Conversations with the Mystic” event with acclaimed director Shekhar Kapur & Sadhguru–and I’m grateful it’s over!

The event didn’t go quite as hoped (we weren’t able to stream video along with audio), but I certainly learned a lot and of course am so glad to have had the opportunity to see Sadhguru along with Kapur. How did I ever get so lucky?

I only wish I weren’t so hard on myself for the mistakes I made that night. After seeing this post on Beth’s Blog, I think I need to learn from the ladies at MomsRising.org about  Joyful Funerals & constructive reflection after a campaign…

I think I have my work cut out for me this Thanksgiving!

UPDATE: The video recording is now available here:

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(we could only stream audio live due to technical difficulties!)

“How deeply you touch another life is how rich your life is.”–Sadhguru

I like this quote because it redefines wealth, which seems to be a primary concern of many. When I was growing up, I was spoiled by having the things I wanted, and I took them for granted. Yet, I also slowly realized that what I really wanted couldn’t be bought. I wanted to be happy. I didn’t want to do anything just for money; I wanted fulfillment. Money wasn’t a driving force in my life.

Is money the key to happiness?

As a full-time volunteer, maybe I’m not earning financially, but the value I get from being with others, offering myself to help them, is far more precious. Sometimes I struggle with the idea of not making money, since I have always grown up believing I would have a career. But I am creating possibilities for myself which are beyond monetary reward, which I myself find truly worthwhile.

My grandfather can’t understand how I could have come here to help him, and would rather that I earn something and leave him alone. It’s no surprise that he didn’t have great relationships with relatives, since he apparently does not appreciate being with family.

The other day I shucked fresh Jersey corn with my nephew, & I feel this trip is the same: day by day, peeling back more and more layers, down to my core. Spending time with loved ones doesn’t cost money, it costs love–and that is invaluable.

How appropriate that my Jewish mother sent me this. I thought it was hilarious & timely, since I’m coming to terms with certain issues related to the theme of kvetching.

I checked out her son’s article in HuffPost, Frame It With Gratitude:

“One way to describe your experience would be to say, ‘This is so annoying I could scream!’ Or you could say, ‘This is so annoying … and my life is really very blessed.’ ” She agreed that could make a big difference.

“But I don’t think I can remember to do that,” she sighed.

To my delight and amazement, my mother has continued doing the practice, and the change has been revolutionary. Seven months after my visit, she sent a card for my birthday. As is our family tradition, it contained a poem she wrote for the occasion. This one I especially cherish. Even though she started losing her sight during those months, the effects of her gratitude practice are evident in this poignant excerpt. And it goes to show you that you can teach an elder human new tricks!

Ninety is just fine with me, I no longer rant and rave
About where the world is heading and my exclusive job to save.
I wallow in contentment and know that I am blessed
Awakening to the joy of living at its best.
I’m happier than I’ve ever been and truly mean each word.
The thoughts that caused the worries now all seem so absurd.
Though my eyesight has been dimmed I see clearer than before,
The glass is not half empty, it’s overflowing to be sure.

Why is it that we have to complain or criticize about what’s there? Even if you want to improve something, surely there are more effective ways of going about it.

Sadhguru’s Huffington Post piece from last week, If the Feminine Ruled This Planet, Life Would Be About Living, really struck a chord with me. Firstly, a caveat:

When I say feminine, I am not talking about it in terms of male-female; I am talking about it in terms of masculine-feminine.

Yes, but women certainly are implicated. The feminine is under threat, not just by patriarchy and social norms, but from women ourselves. We are not choosing to speak out against the systems which suppress the feminine.

So today, there is a danger that the female is giving up the feminine because survival has once again become the dominant factor. Survival has been pushed up to a demanding scale like never before. In earlier times, survival meant just gathering the day’s food. But today, survival means a BMW, the latest technological gadgets for your children, a summer home, etc. That is very challenging. So as this happens, as the demand for this type of life increases, there will ultimately be no room for the feminine to find any place in society.

There is so much pressure on women to compete like men in the workplace, and then still maintain the household. When I was growing up, my mom worked, but I had friends whose moms were housewives and I envied them. However, nowadays it is a rare luxury if families can afford to have a stay-at-home mom.

So something needs to happen for the feminine to flower within each human being. The feminine should be nurtured right from the start. As many children go into science and technology, the same number should also go into music, art, philosophy and literature. This must happen. If this does not happen, there will be no room for the feminine in the world. So celebrating the feminine is very essential. It is not about “woman,” but rather the “feminine.”

I struggled with the division of disciplines as I was younger. I enjoyed most of the subjects, but found math really challenging. I longed to pursue music, dance, and theater, but it was difficult to accommodate everything. When it came to college and professional choices, it was obvious that intuitive, artistic pursuits could only serve as hobbies, whereas my career would have to be based in the logical aspects of life. A lot of feminist research has been about quantifying the “care economy,” and calls for better remuneration of the jobs that women typically fill.

The very nature of this continual quest for survival is masculine. The masculine is always about conquering something. The feminine is not about conquest. The feminine is about flowering, about relaxing, about living – not about getting. So what’s needed is a shift. If that shift does not happen, we will exhaust the planet too fast. If the feminine ruled this planet, there would be no ecological problems because it would not be one mindless, endless conquest – it would be about living.

What do you prefer: conquering or relaxing?

It took a long time for me to process that culture shock–perhaps I am still–but one thing I know is this: The conversation is dynamic between an individual and her environment and just as it would be absolutely absurd to respond in a conversation with your friend with the same one line, it is absurd to respond to life experiences with the same old line. To be engaged in this narrative with others, our environment, our religions…requires creativity, expression, and risk. This is what I think. What about you?

Life can be so contradictory, whenever we form fixed opinions it has a way of proving us wrong, if we’re open to it. Otherwise we remain stuck and suffer.

What is required?

Fluidity. If you try to cling to your old beliefs and habits, you will end up missing all that the new place has to offer. You will close yourself to any possibilities of exploration. You will become lost in translation as you search for a meaning which computes with your preconceived notions.

Willingness to laugh at yourself. To look deeply and acknowledge that so much about you is unconsiously shaped by where you have grown up.

Listening, openness. Even if you don’t understand the what or why, acknowledging the universal humanity in others.

Appreciating the diversity of experiences. Humility in seeing that there are many rights and wrongs as shaped by place and time.

This thing we call life can be so complicated! Or so simple.