Today, 97 years ago he was just a few days old. But this morning at 3am he passed away.

We had to take him to the Hospice at Bellevue two days ago, when his situation began deteriorating. The first night when I visited, he was semi-conscious but restless. Last night he was on medication to make him comfortable, and resting peacefully.

I hope he went peacefully.

He was A-ok in his favorite spot on the couch

Unfortunately, I cannot say he lived peacefully. He was like the Colonel of Kvetching. But at least now I can say say that whenever I complain, he lives on. That is quite a legacy, considering that I have inherited my fair share of complaints.

No doubt, he had a difficult time growing up during the depression. I’ve written about that before on this blog.

He used to write me poems in French. I wish I still had them, as proof that he could be tender-hearted. I was always scared he would shoot off a criticism, which was so second nature to him that he would barely bat an eyelash.

He was a veteran traveler and spoke several languages. He grew up speaking Yiddish so could get by in German. My grandparents spent much of their later years in Baden Baden, Germany. He spoke Italian and shared stories about their adventures in Florence. He saw much of the world while in the Navy. He hitched rides on freight trains.

He was a gourmand to the fullest, and it was rare when things were up to his mark. But I will surely relish my food in his honor.

He had more than three closets full of clothes; he spared no indulgence when it came to designer fashion. Although I was headed in that direction, my detour in India somewhat curtailed my clothing cravings to a certain extent. But I should surely enjoy shopping in New York more for him, since I’ve come to see it more as a chore.

And, I will always think of him and my grandmother when I listen to classical music, which they had playing most of the time.

Grandpa's 97th on Sunday

6pm Ritual Dinner at Forest Hills, 2010

with grandkids, 2008

Now it’s up to us to create the Fenster family of the future!

2011 New Year in Varanasi

We spent last New Year’s in the holy city of Varanasi, India with a friend from college and his friend. It was truly a magical way to welcome 2011–we got a fire ceremony/puja at one of the most powerful temples in India called Kashi Vishwanath, as well as rooftop fireworks from the hotel next door!

After returning, I completed a consultancy with Jaipur Rugs Foundation. It was one of my first professional projects after being a full-time volunteer, and they put their trust in me although I had little in myself. I explored new territory of rural Rajasthan while learning about how the organization operated and made suggestions for improvements in communications.

After expressing interest in launching NetSquared in Jaipur, I was invited to attend the TechSoup Global Contributors’ Summit in Santa Clara, California in February. It was a total game-changer for me. Not only did I get to meet great people that I had admired online for years, like Beth Kanter and Peggy Duvette, but it provided me the inspiration and motivation to finally make a leap and decide to return to the US. I was able to develop those relationships further and make contributions to the work they are doing.

The spring and summer went by in a blurry dream. Or should I say the summer and summer. In Jaipur, it started getting hot in March. It was hard to believe we’d finally be going to the US! Fittingly, I attended an International Organization of Migration conference locally. I started organizing meetings for NetSquared Jaipur. And updating my resume for job-hunting in the US.

We had a lot of preparations to make. I started packing two months early, so excited was I. By May we just had one month left to go, and my husband finally decided he’d come on the same flight. Up until that point, he thought he might go later. So once again we were rushing to get everything done, especially with the bank accounts. I went to the Isha Yoga Center to have one last look, enjoyed myself but got terribly ill and barely made it back in one piece. It was a good reminder of why I wanted to return to the US, as if I needed another one…

For us, the new year started back in June. New country, new rules. Learning how to play the game in New York city, or at least pretending. Had one apartment, then moved to another before the hurricane struck. Submitted my husband’s immigration paperwork. Went to Mashable’s Social Good Summit finally, which I’d longed to attend since the year before. Had an internship in the fall and a couple interesting consulting projects which followed.

Instead of a New Year’s post, this actually feels like one for Thanksgiving. I have so much to be grateful for! Even though I sometimes feel like things are not working out, looking back helps me to see that actually I have gotten or achieved most of what I wanted. And while it has taken time to adjust to my new surroundings, slowly I’m getting the hang of being here.

“Desire, ask, believe, receive.” –Stella Terrill Mann

This summer my aunt said to me, “You’re almost 30. You should know how to clean a shower curtain.” Funnily enough, I missed that lesson in the manual of life.

Most days, I still feel like an ignorant kid. But when I was younger, I had more confidence. I was sure I’d amount to something great, like a famous politician. But once college came around, so did the questioning of many systems, including the political and legal ones, as well as society, ideology, gender… In short, I became confused. Which I have remained to this day.

If that means I still don’t know how to clean a shower curtain, then so be it. I’m busy living my life the best way I know how. And only I can live it!

She was the daughter of a prominent scholar, and so well-educated that she was pretty much deemed unmarriable. This didn’t bother her, because she had such a mind of her own that she didn’t even want to get married. She did marry though, albeit later in life, and she had quite a career in court serving with the Empress. Despite the prestige, she found the lifestyle superficial and stifling, and once her daughter was old enough to be well-settled in court, Murasaki chose to live a spiritual life near a monastery.

I found this account so touching that I felt as though I were there. The details of daily life were portrayed with the utmost attention; the colors of fabrics and flowers played a prominent role in the book. I suppose I have come to view melancholy as a purely modern affliction, but it’s obvious through her poems that, even in the 11th century, Murasaki experienced profound sadness. That time period must have also been the height of Buddhism’s spread in Japan, and turning to spiritual life was common, if not the norm. Yet it is no coincidence that Buddhism is seeing a resurgence now. People are becoming ever increasingly disillusioned with the world, and seeking answers to the pesky questions that our culture cannot seem to answer with to any satisfaction.

1. There’s no going back.  While I had secretly hoped the transition would be smooth and I’d jump back into the mainstream (was I ever even there?), that obviously hasn’t been the case. Even though part of me resisted returning for so long, somehow I thought that I’d resume being my old self once back in familiar territory. A lot has changed in that space of nearly eight years that I was living abroad. It’s more than just that my horizons have broadened; my perspective on life has been dramatically altered. I naively thought I might be able to pick up right where I left off when I’d left the US. I’m more aware of aspects of my former self that haunt me and it’s like I’ve entered a perpetual time warp. I’m struck by the high schooler inside me, and the nostalgic nagging of ancient memories. It’s like a nonstop exercise in taming the “lizard brain.”

2. Nothing is normal. Although I want to get back to some normalcy and stability, I’m also starkly aware that those concepts are pretty irrelevant to my life, which refuses to conform to some standards that I’ve set for it. What is normal is relative, and depends from person to person. Yet, when living in India, I was constantly struck by things that were way too different for my personal set of likes and dislikes.

3. Bumps in the road are not just part of life, they are life. We have a very strong belief that someday, life will go smoothly and everything will be just right. Even if things do eventually work out, the process is usually messy. The more I realize this, the less I struggle against how things are now. For example, the picture below was taken in late August, when we sent off some of my husband’s documentation. We were prematurely  joyous, since there have been delays and we’re still waiting for his papers. They should be arriving soon, though.

4. Get out and meet people. When I first arrived, I was constantly running around to different meetups. This has slowed down somewhat, but it was a good way to force myself to get back out into the social scene and to hear about what was going on. I learned about a lot of interesting new projects and got inspired. I’m also looking for more sustainable, long-term means of interaction in my local neighborhood though. I recently attended a local writer’s group and am trying to help organize another meeting. Although the timing is pretty bad I’m still interested in the community garden which I totally spaced on during the warmer months.

5. Stay in and hibernate. In this city of bright lights, it’s easy to get overwhelmed by the hustle bustle and huge skyscrapers towering overhead. I actually overheard a tourist in a restaurant bathroom say that she felt nauseated by the constant, overstimulating sensory onslaught. Yes, it can be exhilarating and thrilling, but also tiring after a time. Everything in moderation: it’s good to be out, but so is having quiet time at home, too.

6. Laugh and love. Partially because I was running out of ideas, and because I badly need the reminder! When it all begins to feel overwhelming, it’s a good sign that I’m taking things too seriously. Some hugs and some laughs are the perfect antidote. Trite, but true.

Everything seems to take more thought, more calculation. From doing the laundry to travelling by train to shopping for groceries. Finding the right words and expressions for things. Trying to learn the ropes of how to do this thing called life in my native country.

Wondering if I will ever feel settled, or if there even is such a thing as feeling settled, and if there is, is it even desirable? Should I continue to buy into the illusion that at one point, everything will be all right? Or just throw away all preconceived notions about how life “should” be and roll with it? Why is that so difficult?

We have been through two moves in as many months, and while I have been working from home, recently I started to feel like I’m rushing whenever I go out. The pace of this city is notorious, and it requires an extreme awareness not to get drawn into the tide like a leaf which has fallen into a river. I find myself constantly walking briskly, even when I have plenty of time; nonetheless, I am often running slightly late which puts me into even more of a running mode.

Since there are many opportunities for networking and socializing, I have been trying to take advantage of at least one or two each week. Even this sometimes feels like a small number considering all the options, but when the week is over I feel like I’ve done a lot. This week was a particularly busy one, and I had scheduled something almost every evening, yet it didn’t always work out according to plan. On Monday, the person cancelled; Tuesday was a great event at the Alliance Francaise; Wednesday I had two options to choose from, neither of which I ended up going to.

Yesterday was the clincher, when, in my haste, I failed to notice that the event was on Jay St, Brooklyn and instead went downtown to Jay St! This oversight cost me two hours and made me wake up to the fact that I simply need to be more strategic in my plans, and not automatically accept every interesting invitation which comes my way. But the lovely sunset I saw on the ride home made it worthwhile, and made me realize the metaphor that despite the cold and rainy weather, or perhaps because of it, the sunset was that much more magnificent. I interpreted this to mean that even through the tough times, or maybe thanks to them, life shines with a brilliance. We still have the choice to gracefully and joyfully handle the situation.

I’m also reading The 12 Secrets of Highly Creative Women: A Portable Mentor as recommended by Kimberly Wilson. It’s helping me to think about what I’d like to accomplish and how to go about it. I need to dedicate time to concretize my vision for the future before I go about creating it. On Wednesday, I had three interviews, and by the end of the day my head was spinning with the possibilities. But once the dust settled, I was much more able to see what was not only more realistic, but what truly suits me.

Next week will be another busy one, what with Mashable’s Social Good Summit. I was thrilled that I was accepted to be a part of the Digital Lounge for press and bloggers! This weekend I have to study the agendas and map out my focus. You can follow the live webstream too. Expect to see daily recaps of the event here on this blog, and maybe even some videos if I feel adventurous enough…

Anger, resentment, desolation—they followed me like stowaways, surfacing during my darkest moments. My health suffered as a result, and I knew that unless I tried something drastic, I’d never recover. So I quit my job and began searching for solutions to my self-inflicted problems. I turned to creative writing in the hopes that one day I could share my story. I never imagined I’d actually have an inspiring story to share.

Now that I’ve unloaded all this garbage out there, I’ll take a pause in the story. We have come to the juncture between the “before” and “after” of the makeover. For me, the turnaround point came through a program aptly named “Inner Engineering.” It was challenging, but fun. It enabled me to look at life anew, with a clarity I’d never known before. By the end, I was bursting with so much energy that I couldn’t recognize myself. It was so powerful, so positive, that I needed to explore further; it couldn’t be ignored.

Interested in discovering more? You can get a discount on Inner Engineering Online, 7 online classes for self-empowerment, and learn a free meditation.

(My 2nd Youtube video!!)

Yesterday was Gangaur, a holiday celebrating marital bliss, and for once I went out to see what the festivities were all about! And of course, some more bliss is always welcome.

Actually, the holiday is mainly for women–those who are unwed wish to be blessed with a husband, and those who are wed wish for their husband’s wellbeing. So it got me thinking about women and several things I’ve read recently about women & technology.

Janet Fouts asks, “Why aren’t there more women in open source?“ Rachel Happe of The Social Organization discusses the cultural barriers of women entering tech leadership in her recent post. She mentions a piece from TechCrunch, “Why Women Rule the Internet,” which I also had read and made me cringe (it’s actually more about online shopping being dominated by women, and marketing to them!).

I also came across a couple posts by Allison Fine where she explores women’s role in leadership and in Social Media. Juxtaposed against Mashable’s survey on How Women Really Feel About Their Facebook Friends, the picture isn’t so rosy and describes women in particularly catty terms who see their contacts as mostly irritating.

Yet, a key theme running throughout these discussions is that something dramatic is shifting due to the opportunities presented to women by technologies. Certainly for me personally, the sense of empowerment I get through the use of ICTs on a daily basis is pretty much unparalleled.

Yes, getting educated was also empowering; but just refer back to those sorry statistics that are mentioned in the above posts which point to the lack of women’s leadership despite their levels of education. They speak for themselves.

I whizzed through Sadhguru’s biography by poet Arundhati Subramaniam on Monday. I had attended her session at the Jaipur Lit Fest and was lucky enough to have a few words with her after! While her poetry sent shivers, this book was so phenomenal. Her skill at weaving words made for such a magnificant tale.

Even though I had known many of the details of his life story, the prose was so captivating that I could not put the book down.  Plus, I had only heard bits and pieces before and here was an account that flowed seamlessly from beginning to end with the grace that is Sadhguru…

He was extremely candid about all aspects of his life, even the troubling events surrounding the Dhyanalinga consecration. I hope this puts all the skeptics to rest for a short time.

I would have liked to have read more about Anaadhi in the US, but I guess it was too recent to be included–maybe in part two! Who knows where the story will take us next…?

Catch a clip from their live event here.