Today, 97 years ago he was just a few days old. But this morning at 3am he passed away.

We had to take him to the Hospice at Bellevue two days ago, when his situation began deteriorating. The first night when I visited, he was semi-conscious but restless. Last night he was on medication to make him comfortable, and resting peacefully.

I hope he went peacefully.

He was A-ok in his favorite spot on the couch

Unfortunately, I cannot say he lived peacefully. He was like the Colonel of Kvetching. But at least now I can say say that whenever I complain, he lives on. That is quite a legacy, considering that I have inherited my fair share of complaints.

No doubt, he had a difficult time growing up during the depression. I’ve written about that before on this blog.

He used to write me poems in French. I wish I still had them, as proof that he could be tender-hearted. I was always scared he would shoot off a criticism, which was so second nature to him that he would barely bat an eyelash.

He was a veteran traveler and spoke several languages. He grew up speaking Yiddish so could get by in German. My grandparents spent much of their later years in Baden Baden, Germany. He spoke Italian and shared stories about their adventures in Florence. He saw much of the world while in the Navy. He hitched rides on freight trains.

He was a gourmand to the fullest, and it was rare when things were up to his mark. But I will surely relish my food in his honor.

He had more than three closets full of clothes; he spared no indulgence when it came to designer fashion. Although I was headed in that direction, my detour in India somewhat curtailed my clothing cravings to a certain extent. But I should surely enjoy shopping in New York more for him, since I’ve come to see it more as a chore.

And, I will always think of him and my grandmother when I listen to classical music, which they had playing most of the time.

Grandpa's 97th on Sunday

6pm Ritual Dinner at Forest Hills, 2010

with grandkids, 2008

Now it’s up to us to create the Fenster family of the future!

Whatever you think you can do or believe you can do, begin it. Action has magic, grace, and power in it. — Goethe

I merely took the energy it takes to pout and wrote some blues. — Duke Ellington

No matter how arbitrary it may seem, the new year is a time to set things right, re-assess energies and re-direct focus. I’ve never been one to make resolutions, instead choosing to work on myself daily, watching myself unfailingly. But this is a new year and I wanted to try it out, especially in light of some new projects I’m working on which need a different approach. So I’m trying to be practical in my resolve.

I was curious about the origin of this word, and the related one, to solve. It turns out to be rather interesting:

Origin of resolve: 1325-75; Middle English resolven  (v.) < Latin resolvere  to unfasten, loosen, release, equivalent to re- re-  + solvere  to loosen;

Origin of solve: 1400–50; late Middle English solven  < Latin solvere  to loosen, free, release, dissolve

In this context, I’m seeking solutions to certain nagging problems, to set free my creative impulses and dissolve obstacles in my path. It’s time to release my fears and start building my life.

1. Manage time more carefully: plan better and be more focused. Less distractions. (Yes, as I’m writing this I’m aware of the several distractions I’ve allowed in this short span of time!)
2. Be more physically active: dance more.
3. Laugh & have more fun.
4. Appreciate more, complain less.
5. Be open to surprises.

2011 New Year in Varanasi

We spent last New Year’s in the holy city of Varanasi, India with a friend from college and his friend. It was truly a magical way to welcome 2011–we got a fire ceremony/puja at one of the most powerful temples in India called Kashi Vishwanath, as well as rooftop fireworks from the hotel next door!

After returning, I completed a consultancy with Jaipur Rugs Foundation. It was one of my first professional projects after being a full-time volunteer, and they put their trust in me although I had little in myself. I explored new territory of rural Rajasthan while learning about how the organization operated and made suggestions for improvements in communications.

After expressing interest in launching NetSquared in Jaipur, I was invited to attend the TechSoup Global Contributors’ Summit in Santa Clara, California in February. It was a total game-changer for me. Not only did I get to meet great people that I had admired online for years, like Beth Kanter and Peggy Duvette, but it provided me the inspiration and motivation to finally make a leap and decide to return to the US. I was able to develop those relationships further and make contributions to the work they are doing.

The spring and summer went by in a blurry dream. Or should I say the summer and summer. In Jaipur, it started getting hot in March. It was hard to believe we’d finally be going to the US! Fittingly, I attended an International Organization of Migration conference locally. I started organizing meetings for NetSquared Jaipur. And updating my resume for job-hunting in the US.

We had a lot of preparations to make. I started packing two months early, so excited was I. By May we just had one month left to go, and my husband finally decided he’d come on the same flight. Up until that point, he thought he might go later. So once again we were rushing to get everything done, especially with the bank accounts. I went to the Isha Yoga Center to have one last look, enjoyed myself but got terribly ill and barely made it back in one piece. It was a good reminder of why I wanted to return to the US, as if I needed another one…

For us, the new year started back in June. New country, new rules. Learning how to play the game in New York city, or at least pretending. Had one apartment, then moved to another before the hurricane struck. Submitted my husband’s immigration paperwork. Went to Mashable’s Social Good Summit finally, which I’d longed to attend since the year before. Had an internship in the fall and a couple interesting consulting projects which followed.

Instead of a New Year’s post, this actually feels like one for Thanksgiving. I have so much to be grateful for! Even though I sometimes feel like things are not working out, looking back helps me to see that actually I have gotten or achieved most of what I wanted. And while it has taken time to adjust to my new surroundings, slowly I’m getting the hang of being here.

“Desire, ask, believe, receive.” –Stella Terrill Mann

This summer my aunt said to me, “You’re almost 30. You should know how to clean a shower curtain.” Funnily enough, I missed that lesson in the manual of life.

Most days, I still feel like an ignorant kid. But when I was younger, I had more confidence. I was sure I’d amount to something great, like a famous politician. But once college came around, so did the questioning of many systems, including the political and legal ones, as well as society, ideology, gender… In short, I became confused. Which I have remained to this day.

If that means I still don’t know how to clean a shower curtain, then so be it. I’m busy living my life the best way I know how. And only I can live it!

1. There’s no going back.  While I had secretly hoped the transition would be smooth and I’d jump back into the mainstream (was I ever even there?), that obviously hasn’t been the case. Even though part of me resisted returning for so long, somehow I thought that I’d resume being my old self once back in familiar territory. A lot has changed in that space of nearly eight years that I was living abroad. It’s more than just that my horizons have broadened; my perspective on life has been dramatically altered. I naively thought I might be able to pick up right where I left off when I’d left the US. I’m more aware of aspects of my former self that haunt me and it’s like I’ve entered a perpetual time warp. I’m struck by the high schooler inside me, and the nostalgic nagging of ancient memories. It’s like a nonstop exercise in taming the “lizard brain.”

2. Nothing is normal. Although I want to get back to some normalcy and stability, I’m also starkly aware that those concepts are pretty irrelevant to my life, which refuses to conform to some standards that I’ve set for it. What is normal is relative, and depends from person to person. Yet, when living in India, I was constantly struck by things that were way too different for my personal set of likes and dislikes.

3. Bumps in the road are not just part of life, they are life. We have a very strong belief that someday, life will go smoothly and everything will be just right. Even if things do eventually work out, the process is usually messy. The more I realize this, the less I struggle against how things are now. For example, the picture below was taken in late August, when we sent off some of my husband’s documentation. We were prematurely  joyous, since there have been delays and we’re still waiting for his papers. They should be arriving soon, though.

4. Get out and meet people. When I first arrived, I was constantly running around to different meetups. This has slowed down somewhat, but it was a good way to force myself to get back out into the social scene and to hear about what was going on. I learned about a lot of interesting new projects and got inspired. I’m also looking for more sustainable, long-term means of interaction in my local neighborhood though. I recently attended a local writer’s group and am trying to help organize another meeting. Although the timing is pretty bad I’m still interested in the community garden which I totally spaced on during the warmer months.

5. Stay in and hibernate. In this city of bright lights, it’s easy to get overwhelmed by the hustle bustle and huge skyscrapers towering overhead. I actually overheard a tourist in a restaurant bathroom say that she felt nauseated by the constant, overstimulating sensory onslaught. Yes, it can be exhilarating and thrilling, but also tiring after a time. Everything in moderation: it’s good to be out, but so is having quiet time at home, too.

6. Laugh and love. Partially because I was running out of ideas, and because I badly need the reminder! When it all begins to feel overwhelming, it’s a good sign that I’m taking things too seriously. Some hugs and some laughs are the perfect antidote. Trite, but true.

Everything seems to take more thought, more calculation. From doing the laundry to travelling by train to shopping for groceries. Finding the right words and expressions for things. Trying to learn the ropes of how to do this thing called life in my native country.

Wondering if I will ever feel settled, or if there even is such a thing as feeling settled, and if there is, is it even desirable? Should I continue to buy into the illusion that at one point, everything will be all right? Or just throw away all preconceived notions about how life “should” be and roll with it? Why is that so difficult?

In pure immigrant fashion, last weekend we moved from one sub-let apartment in Astoria, New York, to another, bigger one via pushcart. The big dent in the plan was Hurricane/Tropical Storm Irene, who had yet to rear her not-so-ugly head and the preparations were on in full force throughout the paranoid city. By Friday afternoon, I was enjoying the calm before the storm by ignoring all the news, but suddenly it all hit me and I panicked.

We were moving to only a block away from the “C” evacuation zone–should we spend the night in our old apartment, just a block away? Should we rush and try to transfer all our stuff on Friday night, before everything shut down the next day? I started throwing things in the suitcase and running around like crazy. Why was my husband not sensing the urgency and continuing to work? After a quarrel, I only made a couple trips before collapsing in exhaustion. But after eating dinner, we finished most of the packing and waited for Saturday, and Irene, to show her face.

I awoke at 5:30am in a state of emergency, the only way out of which was to get busy. We had to get everything done before it started raining, which could happen at any minute as far as I was concerned. The weather reports said it would rain “by late morning.”  By 7am we had brought the first of many cartloads to our new place and inherited a new cart so that our efficiency could be doubled. We finished around 11am and it was only just starting to drizzle; we were at the uber-crowded supermarket at 1ish when it started to pour, but then it stopped soon after. So we just began waiting, too fatigued to do much else. We watched a movie and enjoyed ourselves.

We noticed some loose windows by the time the winds picked up on Saturday night. Unfortunately, we also had an active leak in the bathroom, which was un-Irene related and which we had known about previously. By Wednesday, the crack finally became a hole. Fortunately on that day, we had a friend from Jaipur visiting and spent most of the day sight-seeing with him!

We have been cleaning more than we ever have in our lives, and just when it feels never-ending I begin to notice how much we’ve done. It’s rewarding to see the results of our labor, and to create a new home together. But it has also brought up some issues from our past in Jaipur.

I’m not exactly sure why I’m more tolerant of the difficulties we’re facing here, and why things bothered me more there. We also had some leaks there which really got under my skin. Maybe I’m more mature, and I’ve learned that problems exist everywhere; maybe I’m just more willing to be here than I was there.  Either way, I constantly feel like I’m at a crossroads–shedding the past and hurtling towards a mysterious, miraculous future.

I really wish I had more before and after photos, but in the heat of the moment I couldn’t capture much. I guess I had more on my mind at the time!

In “The Case for Crowdsourcing Innovation and Social Change,” a piece of research is quoted where “the researchers consistently found that groups made better decisions than individuals.”

So, I’m attempting to use this blog as a crowdsourcing experiment for a big decision that I’m facing: stay in India or not? And if not here, then where and how?

As you dear readers know, I’ve struggled with India for as long as I’ve been here. Should I give up the fight? Looking forward to your answers!

Writing & blogging helps me process thoughts & emotions. But what happens when I feel too overwhelmed to make time? They crescendo & boil over, splattering all over the screen. But thankfully not this one.

There is a tendency to only want to post the presentable, the decent. Some bloggers do rant and expose their weaknesses, and kudos to them. It’s not easy.

Do I want to leave a permanent digital footprint of my moments of folly, especially when the clouds quickly pass over and the sun shines anew? Not particularly. Yet, what if those moments of confusion outnumber those of clarity? I may have to rethink my strategy.