She was the daughter of a prominent scholar, and so well-educated that she was pretty much deemed unmarriable. This didn’t bother her, because she had such a mind of her own that she didn’t even want to get married. She did marry though, albeit later in life, and she had quite a career in court serving with the Empress. Despite the prestige, she found the lifestyle superficial and stifling, and once her daughter was old enough to be well-settled in court, Murasaki chose to live a spiritual life near a monastery.

I found this account so touching that I felt as though I were there. The details of daily life were portrayed with the utmost attention; the colors of fabrics and flowers played a prominent role in the book. I suppose I have come to view melancholy as a purely modern affliction, but it’s obvious through her poems that, even in the 11th century, Murasaki experienced profound sadness. That time period must have also been the height of Buddhism’s spread in Japan, and turning to spiritual life was common, if not the norm. Yet it is no coincidence that Buddhism is seeing a resurgence now. People are becoming ever increasingly disillusioned with the world, and seeking answers to the pesky questions that our culture cannot seem to answer with to any satisfaction.

Happy Thanksgiving! Since today naturally lends itself to reflection, I figured it was a good chance to get back to blogging. I have been all-consumed by planning for the “My Conversations with the Mystic” event with acclaimed director Shekhar Kapur & Sadhguru–and I’m grateful it’s over!

The event didn’t go quite as hoped (we weren’t able to stream video along with audio), but I certainly learned a lot and of course am so glad to have had the opportunity to see Sadhguru along with Kapur. How did I ever get so lucky?

I only wish I weren’t so hard on myself for the mistakes I made that night. After seeing this post on Beth’s Blog, I think I need to learn from the ladies at MomsRising.org about  Joyful Funerals & constructive reflection after a campaign…

I think I have my work cut out for me this Thanksgiving!

UPDATE: The video recording is now available here:

[youtube Tp0Xjsr70z4]

(we could only stream audio live due to technical difficulties!)

Not only was untidiness both cause and effect of inner chaos, but it was also a surefire argument catalyst. At times of utter despair, I was ready to call in the reserves of more senior domestic goddesses (aka my mother & mother-in-law!). Anything but take on the task by myself.

(image from plokta.com)

That’s not to say that my husband wasn’t willing to help. But sometimes his habits would so exasperate me that I would rather just do the job alone. Apparently this is common amongst couples: women take cleaning so seriously that, if the husband helps, he has a hard time living up to their high standards. Yes, I’ve read this before online at the height of my troubles, but I don’t feel like digging up the links myself right now. If you’re interested, google it! I did find this from my previous post:

A recent article on Alternet by Vanessa Richmond perfectly illustrates the trend, at least among American women, to shun cooking as an “unliberated” act.

My grandmother would tell me how impressed she was that, when I was younger, I was so well-organized and I would try to help her tidy her kitchen when I visited. That was probably my parent’s influence, which has obviously since loosened its grip–or has it? I really wonder if my disdain for orderliness has its roots in adolescent defiance, which then became compounded by feminist theories. Or perhaps I just didn’t feel like devoting my attention and energy in that direction.

Not only have I not had any word regarding the status of the application, but I have tried on numerous occasions to contact someone, anyone, with no success. I actually thought I might be a silly, over-reacting American when I decided a month ago, “Hey, let’s try to see if we can find out about the application.” Even though I knew there was still time left, I had a faint fear that the deadline would come and go without a word. And it has.

We attempted calling numbers from the Ministry of Home Affairs (MHA) website, no answer. Going to the local office for foreigners, “We can’t help until 90 days are up.”

I’m slightly afraid as I write this post that I should be censoring myself. But the Indian government does takes pride in offering freedom of speech. After all, independence happened from the British because people were able to openly criticize.  So as I blog, I will enjoy this right as any Indian or PIO. I know that my application is still accurate, my spouse is Indian and as such I deserve PIO status.

I’ve been told to be patient, that these things take time. I was patient, for the 90 days. Now, not so much. Sorry, I’ve reached my limit!

It seems it might take less time for those applying from abroad. Even my husband is now stating (after the fact) that he had a feeling it would be tougher to do “inside”. But, being residents here, we were following the rules that we were supposed to apply here.

See this forum thread about someone who’s PIO application took 17 months to process from Delhi! One bonus of this experience: connecting with other expats in India…

Note: I have revised this post after realizing my misinterpretation of the procedures. They’re not quite so straightforward.

Not all of Jaipur looks like this...

Recently, I keep starting out my posts with numbers. Perhaps it helps me to establish the landmarks, to measure my success on this uncharted path. For me, these three years are the longest ever time that I’ve been settled in one place since I graduated from high school in 1999. I’m discounting the four years of college because I moved a lot from year to year.

True, I haven’t been in Jaipur for three years straight, either. I have left for at least 2 months every year to visit family, and last year I was hardly home since I spent almost half the time at the ashram or travelling. It’s probably the only way I could’ve survived.

Nonetheless, three years with my stuff in the same apartment, with or without me. Three years of having Jaipur as home base, ready for me when I return. Three year of having pigeons as my closest neighbors.

It was in April 2007 that we came here. I want to be able to say something very insightful about my experience here, a neatly packaged byte of wisdom. But in my stupor of disbelief that I’ve made it here this long, I’m struggling to make much out of it.

Actually, perhaps the real motivating force behind writing this post, behind even the realization itself that I have been here for that long, is that we are most probably leaving Jaipur. I hesitate to give more details because that deserves its own post. But the impending departure certainly has made me recognize how settled I’ve become here, and dare I say it? Attached.

To be honest, I can’t think of things off the top of my head that I particularly like about this place, but to do Jaipur some justice, I will put some effort in and make a list:

1. Central Park
2. seeing Nahargarh Fort from my window

Ok, the list idea is pointless. It’s sounding horribly negative, which has nothing to do with Jaipur in itself–it’s more to do with my own perspective and judgements.

While now I can say that I’m in a positive frame of mind, much of my time here has not been spent in that way. Furthermore, I can say that I’ve come to terms with my previous negativity, and have reached more of a state of acceptance of life, of being here, all the pros and cons included. It’s been a sacrifice, but has held certain advantages. They’ve pretty much cancelled each other out.

Pros include low cost of living, nice apartment, being close to in-laws, being close to Delhi. Cons: difficulty in going out (weather & logistics combined), weather, lack of social circle, weather, being close to in-laws, weather…

Dear Jaipur, you’re too hot and I can’t think properly. You’ve made life difficult for me, but I forgive you.

The following is a detailed account of my journey through personal and spiritual growth, thanks mostly to a tool called Isha Yoga. I offer this post as a small token of my gratitude, and hope that readers may gain some insights into these powerful practices.

I got married in Jaipur, India four years ago to an Indian man. Between the family drama surrounding the marriage and my poor health while there, I was determined never to return to India. My husband Salil was due to join me in the UK, where I had enrolled for a Master’s in “Gender, Development and Globalization” at the London School of Economics. It was hard to return to academic life after the hiatus, and I maintained a distance from my classmates and the pub culture. I found the atmosphere of LSE much more competitive and less welcoming than Wesleyan, and I tried not to get too involved. Salil had visa problems getting to the UK, and once again bureaucracy was standing in the way of my dream. Yet I refused to visit him in India because I was still traumatized, so one full year passed before we saw each other.

With much resistance I decided to join Salil in India in September 2006, after turning in my dissertation. I reasoned with myself that it was a good opportunity to get some experience in the development sector. Yet I simply could not cope with the stress of adjusting to such a different environment. I was physically exhausted, disappointed by my work situation, and destroying my marriage through constant arguing. Moving cities and switching jobs still did not bring me any satisfaction. Although I was initially attracted to development by my idealism and hopes of helping people, I became increasingly disillusioned about the way organizations operated and despairingly cynical about people’s living conditions and my ability to do anything to improve them.

I was falling ill every month with chronic stomach ailments, and tired of having to take antibiotics all the time. My immune system was so weak, it was as if my own negative emotions were devouring me. I felt as though I was dying, and that I might go mad in the process. Finally, in February 2008 I realized I could not continue as I had been, and quit my job to focus on regaining my health. I began seeing an Ayurvedic doctor and becoming more interested in natural medicine and lifestyle.

I attempted to redirect my energies towards writing, but I had no creative spark in me. I was so drained, even the thought of activity exhausted me. I had read many books, listened to radio shows and podcasts on well-being and spirituality, but my condition remained the same. I knew everything that I “should” have been doing to be healthy and happy, yet could not produce either.

In July I came across an article by Sadhguru Jaggi Vasudev in the Speaking Tree, a column in the Times of India that I used to read regularly for some spiritual solace. It was called “Become stress-free with relative ease” and really resonated with me:

“Stress is not a part of life. It is not your lifestyle, it is not your work, it is not your family, it is not the situations in which you exist which cause stress to you; it is your inability to manage your system — your body, mind, emotions and your energy — your lack of understanding of how this system functions, your inability to use the system the way it should be used.”

I went to the Isha Foundation website and filled out the volunteer form, but never heard back and forgot about it. Then, in September I attended a cultural program where a poster announced that the Inner Engineering free intro talk and program would soon be happening. I jumped at the opportunity.

I found the week-long program so inspiring that I did not want it to end. My husband and I felt so invigorated that we were amongst the last to leave every evening. While the information was not entirely new to me, the practices and the context in which they were transmitted certainly was. I struggled a bit at the beginning, but by the end I felt completely renewed. No matter how much I had read or heard about awareness, it was still a challenge to achieve. Somehow I felt like I had taken a quantum leap and it was amazing to me that such a simple technique could have achieved such a profound result and make meditation so effortless.

I started experiencing the benefits virtually immediately: I had more energy, was calmer and generally more joyous. I started smiling for no reason. I enrolled for the subsequent advanced programs and began making plans for an extended stay at the Isha Yoga Center. Within a week of completing Inner Engineering I was waking up earlier naturally. I used to struggle to get out of bed by 9, and still did not feel rested even after nine or ten hours of sleep. I would be lethargic throughout the day, and usually need to take naps. This was even worse because of the Jaipur heat, which I simply could not tolerate. Even the thought of going out during the day would exhaust me.

While I was waiting for my big trip, I watched practically every video on Youtube of Sadhguru. I was particularly impressed by his answer of the Davos Question 2008:

“If we bring about meditativeness into today’s leadership–political, economic, or otherwise–it will help the leaders to see and act beyond the national, racial, religious or any other identities of division.”

I felt that here was a vision of development that I could finally agree with, one with a holistic approach to both inner and outer aspects of human well-being.

I also began to notice that I was able to go for longer periods without food. I used to become very irritable when I was hungry or tired, which was most of the time. After the first night of the program I burst out in tears because I was unaccustomed to having to eat dinner so late in the evening, since usually we ate at 6pm. Normally I would have to eat first thing in the morning to counter the adrenalin rush I felt upon waking, and was constantly snacking during the day. Slowly my insatiable hunger began to decrease and I no longer become whiny at the slightest twinge; now I am able to go several hours in the morning before eating and eat much less frequently while still feeling well-nourished.

I began feeling so much more happy than I had even imagined possible. Anxiety runs in my family, and I blamed all the Jewish ancestors since Adam and Eve for the way I was. No matter how destructively I behaved, nor how desperately I yearned to change, these patterns were so deeply ingrained that I could not dislodge them. Yet the practices naturally did that for me. I used to get so frustrated and angry when things did not go my way, or when I could not understand something, but my reactions began to shift. I was no longer so easily emotionally disturbed, and if at all something did bother me it was to a much lesser degree and duration. The fights that were a constant feature of my existence disappeared, and mood swings no longer destabilized me.

My creativity had been sparked and poetry began flowing. While at first I still held on to my hopes of finishing my novel and becoming a great writer, I started to realize that it would be much more worthwhile to explore the source of my creativity by devoting time to explore who I was beyond the bundle of identities I had crafted for myself. I threw myself into volunteering and found the joy of being swept up by something that was so much bigger than my small self. My petty problems began to look like a joke in the light of Isha yoga.

It has only been just under a year since I took the Inner Engineering program, but I have experienced such a profound transformation that it feels like several lifetimes have passed. It has been an utter roller coaster: fun but scary, thrilling but threatening to the way I have conceived of life up until this point. Now that I have gotten on, though, I am glued to my seat and life’s surprises no longer throw me for a loop.

The Inner Engineering program has not only saved my life, but has given me an entirely new one. My health has dramatically improved and I no longer suffer from the chronic stomach ailments, sinusitis, allergies, asthma and exhaustion. More important than that, I have never been so calm and my energy level has never been higher. I feel incredibly balanced and at ease within myself and with the situations that I face. Things simply do not get to me the way they used to.

The practices I learned are such an integral part of my daily routine that I cannot even consider not doing them. They provide a constant support unlike any that I have ever known. Looking back, I realize I was only living half a life—just barely managing to stay afloat, and wasting away. Now I feel so intensely alive and joyful that it is hard for me to see that most people I know are still struggling in the cycle of stress and striving, or just boredom and bleakness that we have come to accept as “normal” aspects of life.

Now my only real problem is bearing the pain of wanting to share this with others but not knowing how to reach them. Being freed from a large amount of my own self-inflicted suffering, I am so much more aware of it in others. When I visit the West now, I am struck by the unconscious consumerism that people are sucked into. There is a constant drive for more, but it is directed in the most superficial ways. People value material goods more than themselves or other people, and are propelled by a deep sense of insecurity that only products can satisfy, at least momentarily. Even those who are so-called socially conscious seem to be trapped in their own web of ideas, hardened by anger at the structures which supposedly encase us. No one seems to have any free time, yet waste countless hours mindlessly absorbed in the television or internet, or in pleasure-seeking pursuits that only provide fleeting relief.

Having been touched by Marxism and feminism myself, I fully empathize with the desire for liberation. Yet no text on revolution or empowerment could ever have liberated me from my own self-destruction. What is truly radical about Isha’s “silent revolution of self-transformation” is that it provided me with my own tools to free myself from my own cage: without getting entangled in analysis or emotions, I was able to slip out of it effortlessly, at least to the extent that I was willing. Everything on the outside is still the same, but it all looks drastically different because of how I feel inside. Although the revolution in me has been silent, I feel like shouting at the top of my lungs, “Here is a solution to our suffering. If I can do it, you can too!”

I finally started experiencing a way of life that I had only read about and desperately wanted to attain. This is not to say that I have become superhuman or perfect, but the taste I have had of something which is beyond the physical makes me want to continuously and consciously strive to break my own limitations.

The same desire to help others that had propelled me towards work in the development sector is now being channelled in a different direction. It was only natural to become involved as a full-time volunteer so that I can work towards sharing that which has had such a huge impact on me. I feel such fulfilment in offering this opportunity for personal growth to others that my high hopes for personal gain have simply vanished. I have realized that this is the most significant thing that I can do with my life, and I can still fulfil my dream of helping people, but in a way that I could never have envisioned. I feel so lucky to be able to play a small part in something so crucial to the well-being of others and our planet.

“It is time to really create a vision within ourselves as to what is it that we really care for, not just for today. If you look deep enough, your vision will be the universal vision. Really, being a human being, see what is the highest that you can seek and simply create that vision.”—Sadhguru, “Create a vision for life.”

The O-zone on Sunday covered the new trend among 20-30 something women, most of whom are still single, going all out for one-night stands and no strings attached.

Sexcapades of young women, their casual attitude towards flings and open declaration that sex is just a physical need like any other, lead one to wonder how this new-found sexual freedom affects society and in particular, matrimony.

A good enough opening, but the article actually emphasised women’s personal empowerment more than any larger social impact. Unfortunately, but not unexpectedly, there was little analysis of traditional gender roles. For example,

“I get a great sense of liberation from being able to just get up in the morning, put on my clothes and walk away without any emotional baggage or need for commitment.”

Sounds like a man, some would say. Yes, that’s exactly what seems to have happened. Women have joined the guys in their uninhibited, no-responsibility nocturnal romps. And, much to the delight of the men, they come to them without baggage — no clinging, no tears, no emotional breakdowns and above all, no demands to declare everlasting love and attachment. In fact, the new woman seems to run away as fast as any man from the ‘C’ word — commitment.

Even though some young women may still be having fun while they still can, there’s still an understanding that at the end of it all, they’ll eventually ‘settle down’ and become good wives.

The freedom brought about by stepping out of home (very often, small towns), financial independence and jobs that entail wide travel, is a heady one. Marriage, whatever said and done, does bring with it restrictions that girls wish to push off as far as possible. So these young girls are happy being in relationships that mean good fun and sex, but no settling down. That can come later, it seems. As a young IT professional from Mumbai confesses, “I have asked my parents to start looking for a match for me. I’ve had my fun, gone through lots of relationships and want to settle down now.”

The article briefly touched upon Indian ‘morality’, saying that those who talk about it

find themselves pretty marginalised today. There is a fairly widespread tolerance for, if not acceptance of, women’s need for fun. Moral strictures and codes of conduct sound not just outdated, but anachronistic. Enough that even those who mouth them question their validity!

This kind of sweeping generalisation gets to me. BJP (India’s conservative party), marginalised? Widespread tolerance for women’s fun needs? Yes, they may be anachronistic, but the strictures and codes are still very much the norm for the majority of women in India. It is the tiniest of minorities of women, in India’s biggest cities, that can even think of enjoying the kind of freedoms that this article claims to be the privilege of the many.

Nonetheless, this group of women may be rather numerically large, even if not a significant proportion of the greater population. And regardless, the mere fact of a shifting pattern of relationships among certain women must be cause for celebration, in that they are going against the tide and trying out different arrangements for themselves. That too, in a county where kissing in public is still taboo. (There was another article on “Unkissable Indians,” how foreigners doing business here have been warned to keep their cheeks to themselves.) I just hope they are using protection…

Interestingly, on the front page of the TimesLife! section was an article called “Casual Casanovas,” featuring the trend among men to take numerous lovers. Yet the articles seem to speak over one another.

Sabine vows to give up married lovers, and is determined to find a good husband. Her best friend Clarisse introduces her to her cousin Edmond, a busy lawyer from Paris. Sabine pursues Edmond, with the encouragement of Clarisse, but Edmond does not seem very interested.

This film is really a throwback to old ideas of mariage and traditional gender roles. Sabine, though pursuing a Master’s in Art History, is convinced that being a housewife is a better use of her creative gifts and would allow her to dedicate herself more fully to them. In a striking conversation with an ex-boyfriend, whose current wife is a full-time teacher she says something like the following: Look at how messy your house is, it’s as if you are living like bachelors; Can you really say that teaching a group of screaming kids is empowering?; I want a husband to take care of me, so that I can take care of the house and do more creative things than just have a silly job. While she may have a point, given that two-income households are the rule for reasons of economic necessity, how can we push beyond traditional gender roles and arrive at a place that is fulfilling to both parties involved?

I found this commentary in French:

Conte éthique et social cruel. Constamment, le mariage est envisagé comme un désir d’élévation spirituel (s’accomplir) alors qu’il n’est qu’une solution pour s’élever socialement.

Les contrastes sociaux entre Clarisse et Sabine transparaissent à chaque scène. Pour Clarisse, réception mondaine, habits et atelier bourgeois ; pour Sabine, appartement parisien miteux, pauvre affiche de Man Ray, train et 4L, réception et costume minable, ancien amoureux pantouflard.

Rohmer pourrait vouloir nous dire d’apprendre à se considérer globalement (amis, habitation, langage) sans croire à d’autres changement que ceux provoqués par la grâce, absente ici.

Paraphased: It’s a cruel ethical and social tale, that envisions marriage as a desire for sprirtual evolution even though it’s only a solution for rising in social status. It goes on to compare the social standing of the Sabine and her married friend Clarisse, whose husband is a wealthy doctor.

Below is an interview with the male lead.

Plus d’infos sur ce film

It is important that it was filmed in the 80s, because I think this would have been a time of looking back at the changes brought by the 60s youth movements (in France the year of 1968 was particularly tumultuous). That’s not to say that we have stopped looking back, nor that feminism specifically has ceased to have relevance. Indeed, it is the constant need to re-evaluate the ‘progress’ we have made regarding women’s status that keeps feminism going. But there’s always the issue of the great backlash:

There has always been resistance to feminism – the backlash that Susan Faludi chronicled in her 1991 book of the same name. But there is also the satisfaction of arguments won, rights enshrined, respect ensured, the sense that the central feminist project – the fight for women to be treated as human beings, no more, no less – is inching along. In fact, reading a recent piece by US feminist writer, Katha Pollitt, headlined Backlash Spectacular and charting the ways in which North American culture is regressing on women’s rights, I felt smug. Thank God that’s not happening here, I thought, sinking into my seat and reaching for another chocolate.

Of course, if you’re feeling smug, you’ve got it wrong. In the weeks after Pollitt’s article, I found myself tripping over signs, left and right, that not only does the feminist movement still have far to go, but that arguments we thought were long-won have been re-opened, rights we thought were settled are suddenly under threat. These signs came in a whole variety of forms, some ridiculous, some devastating.

The article features mainly quotes from random people, but many of whom are women, which I liked, since women here are typically depicted as dependent and duty-bound to serving others.

“Now more people are flocking to different places at an impressionable age to study or work, which has given a whole new definition to the concept of happy loners,” says creative entrepreneur Preeti Vyas Patel.

Successful online art dealer Aporajita Pal Mukerji has been living on her own for at least 20 days a month for the past 13 years. Her husband, a marketing professional, is out of town for the most part. But she wouldn’t barter it for anything else. “I love the time I have to myself. I work out, read books, connect with my friends… I know couples who have separate bedrooms and bathrooms too,” says Mukerji.

Actress Neena Gupta explains “financial empowerment is walking the talk when it comes to enjoying the option of living alone.” Those who’ve caught on to the expensive ways of the city, have wisely invested in suburban apartments.

Spiritual teacher Neena Dandekar points out that “the urge to find one’s little nest is seen even among today’s teenagers. It’s easier to do away with the curfews parents impose.”

Even senior citizens like Arati Gupta, who has the option of moving in with her son and daughter-in-law, prefers to live alone in Delhi. “I share a beautiful relationship with my family, but I prefer my me-time. I gave up a high-profile job to enjoy things one talks of doing someday. Three years later, I have yet to ask myself if I’ve felt lonely. I live by the motto — ‘Enjoy life, employ life, it flits away and will not stay’. I plan my activities such that each action is satisfying. I travel to my ‘wish-list places’. I enjoy being with my grand-daughter. At home, I’m comfortable with my music, books, internet, friends and above all, my fitness routine.”

The Loner lives in her own space. Alone, but no longer lonely. She has found her own space, her calling, her self.

In such a crowded place as India, personal space comes at a premium. While people here may continue to love their masala (daily drama), the dynamics of economic growth bring changes in interpersonal relationships.