Becky Blab

This week, my grandfather celebrated his 97th birthday. We had a party on Sunday, that I helped to organize thanks to Facebook. His birthday was either the 9th or 10th, no one was sure since it hadn’t been recorded.

Today, 97 years ago he was just a few days old. But this morning at 3am he passed away.

We had to take him to the Hospice at Bellevue two days ago, when his situation began deteriorating. The first night when I visited, he was semi-conscious but restless. Last night he was on medication to make him comfortable, and resting peacefully.

I hope he went peacefully.

He was A-ok in his favorite spot on the couch

Unfortunately, I cannot say he lived peacefully. He was like the Colonel of Kvetching. But at least now I can say say that whenever I complain, he lives on. That is quite a legacy, considering that I have inherited my fair share of complaints.

No doubt, he had a difficult time growing up during the depression. I’ve written about that before on this blog.

He used to write me poems in French. I wish I still had them, as proof that he could be tender-hearted. I was always scared he would shoot off a criticism, which was so second nature to him that he would barely bat an eyelash.

He was a veteran traveler and spoke several languages. He grew up speaking Yiddish so could get by in German. My grandparents spent much of their later years in Baden Baden, Germany. He spoke Italian and shared stories about their adventures in Florence. He saw much of the world while in the Navy. He hitched rides on freight trains.

He was a gourmand to the fullest, and it was rare when things were up to his mark. But I will surely relish my food in his honor.

He had more than three closets full of clothes; he spared no indulgence when it came to designer fashion. Although I was headed in that direction, my detour in India somewhat curtailed my clothing cravings to a certain extent. But I should surely enjoy shopping in New York more for him, since I’ve come to see it more as a chore.

And, I will always think of him and my grandmother when I listen to classical music, which they had playing most of the time.

Grandpa's 97th on Sunday

6pm Ritual Dinner at Forest Hills, 2010

with grandkids, 2008

Now it’s up to us to create the Fenster family of the future!

I am grateful to be featured on the Lessons from the Monk I Married Blog as part of the “31 Writers, 31 Lessons” series. Here is an excerpt:

Most of us know the familiar tale that we came out of Africa, but do we really understand what this means? This means that all of our so-called differences are superficial, and we are more alike than not. I recently watched the above National Geographic show on The Human Family Tree, and was amused to see it was based in my diverse neighborhood of New York: Astoria. I moved here after spending nearly five years in India, where my husband is from. The show traces the common ancestry of those participating in the genetic experiment, and explains the different migration patterns of groups as they left Africa.

Throughout my own life journey I have had plenty of migrations and have spent lots of time exploring questions of culture and belonging. I am constantly struck by the irony that despite being surrounded by crowds, it’s very easy to drown in a sense of separation. Without knowing many people in a new place, I have searched for a community in which I can belong.

On the surface, we are all unique. Yet rather than cherish our individuality, we constantly strive to fit in to our perception of what is socially desirable. We need the validation of others. Rarely do we relish our innate qualities.

Dig a little deeper though, and there is not too much that distinguishes us from each other. From the cellular or genetic level, to the more metaphysical level of thoughts and emotions, we are all humans.

Why is this so hard to see sometimes?

I also wrote a guest post on this blog called Lesson 127: We are All Connected (But Who am I?).

Whatever you think you can do or believe you can do, begin it. Action has magic, grace, and power in it. — Goethe

I merely took the energy it takes to pout and wrote some blues. — Duke Ellington

No matter how arbitrary it may seem, the new year is a time to set things right, re-assess energies and re-direct focus. I’ve never been one to make resolutions, instead choosing to work on myself daily, watching myself unfailingly. But this is a new year and I wanted to try it out, especially in light of some new projects I’m working on which need a different approach. So I’m trying to be practical in my resolve.

I was curious about the origin of this word, and the related one, to solve. It turns out to be rather interesting:

Origin of resolve: 1325-75; Middle English resolven  (v.) < Latin resolvere  to unfasten, loosen, release, equivalent to re- re-  + solvere  to loosen;

Origin of solve: 1400–50; late Middle English solven  < Latin solvere  to loosen, free, release, dissolve

In this context, I’m seeking solutions to certain nagging problems, to set free my creative impulses and dissolve obstacles in my path. It’s time to release my fears and start building my life.

1. Manage time more carefully: plan better and be more focused. Less distractions. (Yes, as I’m writing this I’m aware of the several distractions I’ve allowed in this short span of time!)
2. Be more physically active: dance more.
3. Laugh & have more fun.
4. Appreciate more, complain less.
5. Be open to surprises.

This whole month has been an extreme time of self-reflection, what with the big birthday and winter hibernation setting in. Before setting my new year’s resolutions, which I never do but thought this is a good time to start, I wanted to look back once more at the previous year before laying it to rest and turning a new page. I often feel that I haven’t done much or enough, but I figured this would give me an opportunity to give myself proper credit for what I’ve accomplished.

2011 New Year in Varanasi

We spent last New Year’s in the holy city of Varanasi, India with a friend from college and his friend. It was truly a magical way to welcome 2011–we got a fire ceremony/puja at one of the most powerful temples in India called Kashi Vishwanath, as well as rooftop fireworks from the hotel next door!

After returning, I completed a consultancy with Jaipur Rugs Foundation. It was one of my first professional projects after being a full-time volunteer, and they put their trust in me although I had little in myself. I explored new territory of rural Rajasthan while learning about how the organization operated and made suggestions for improvements in communications.

After expressing interest in launching NetSquared in Jaipur, I was invited to attend the TechSoup Global Contributors’ Summit in Santa Clara, California in February. It was a total game-changer for me. Not only did I get to meet great people that I had admired online for years, like Beth Kanter and Peggy Duvette, but it provided me the inspiration and motivation to finally make a leap and decide to return to the US. I was able to develop those relationships further and make contributions to the work they are doing.

The spring and summer went by in a blurry dream. Or should I say the summer and summer. In Jaipur, it started getting hot in March. It was hard to believe we’d finally be going to the US! Fittingly, I attended an International Organization of Migration conference locally. I started organizing meetings for NetSquared Jaipur. And updating my resume for job-hunting in the US.

We had a lot of preparations to make. I started packing two months early, so excited was I. By May we just had one month left to go, and my husband finally decided he’d come on the same flight. Up until that point, he thought he might go later. So once again we were rushing to get everything done, especially with the bank accounts. I went to the Isha Yoga Center to have one last look, enjoyed myself but got terribly ill and barely made it back in one piece. It was a good reminder of why I wanted to return to the US, as if I needed another one…

For us, the new year started back in June. New country, new rules. Learning how to play the game in New York city, or at least pretending. Had one apartment, then moved to another before the hurricane struck. Submitted my husband’s immigration paperwork. Went to Mashable’s Social Good Summit finally, which I’d longed to attend since the year before. Had an internship in the fall and a couple interesting consulting projects which followed.

Instead of a New Year’s post, this actually feels like one for Thanksgiving. I have so much to be grateful for! Even though I sometimes feel like things are not working out, looking back helps me to see that actually I have gotten or achieved most of what I wanted. And while it has taken time to adjust to my new surroundings, slowly I’m getting the hang of being here.

“Desire, ask, believe, receive.” –Stella Terrill Mann

I turned 30 on Monday. While I used to wonder why people felt shy about announcing their age, I think I’m beginning to understand. As I approached this milestone last week, I began to feel more like I was marching to the grave than I ever have before. It wasn’t necessarily scary, but it made me re-evaluate all of the expectations I had held of myself. Like, “When I’m 30, I will have accomplished xyz. My life will be settled and I will be a boring adult.” For better or worse, I haven’t quite managed to achieve most of that.

This summer my aunt said to me, “You’re almost 30. You should know how to clean a shower curtain.” Funnily enough, I missed that lesson in the manual of life.

Most days, I still feel like an ignorant kid. But when I was younger, I had more confidence. I was sure I’d amount to something great, like a famous politician. But once college came around, so did the questioning of many systems, including the political and legal ones, as well as society, ideology, gender… In short, I became confused. Which I have remained to this day.

If that means I still don’t know how to clean a shower curtain, then so be it. I’m busy living my life the best way I know how. And only I can live it!